Breaking up with your therapist can be a difficult but sometimes necessary thing to do. Whether you knew the relationship was doomed from the start or it was one of those “it’s not you, it’s me moments,” sometimes things just don’t work out.
In this post, we’ll explore some common reasons for ending therapy, how to approach the conversation with your therapist, and tips for finding the right fit in the future. Remember, advocating for your mental health is always the priority, and seeking a better match is a step forward, not a step back.
Not sure how to find the right therapist for your unique needs? FInd a location and get matched with the right therapist for you today!
Breaking Up With Your Therapist: Common Reasons and What to Say
Sometimes I hear people say “oh I tried therapy before and it didn’t work for me” and too often the reason comes down to the therapist they were matched with. Every therapist has their own style, and there are over fifty different kinds of therapy frameworks. Sometimes when we have a bad therapy experience, it has more to do with these factors and less to do with whether therapy can work for you.
These are some comment reasons I see clients feeling ready to find a new therapist:
- You don’t feel a connection with your therapist
- Your therapist isn’t listening to you
- You’re unhappy with the level of progress
- Your boundaries aren’t being respected
- Your therapist is dismissive or judgmental
- You’ve progressed beyond what your therapist can offer
Now you’ve identified you’re ready to “break up” with your therapist, let’s dive into some what to say or do.
You Don’t Feel a Connection with Your Therapist
Therapist fit is CRUCIAL to therapy progress. If you don’t vibe with your therapist, feel judged, or feel like they don’t have experience in what you’re identified issue is, it can get in the way of your movement forward.
You might not feel the connection right away– therapy can feel awkward at first– but if after a few sessions you’re still not feeling like it’s the right fit, then switching therapists is the next step. You could say, “I’ve appreciated these last few sessions, but this isn’t feeling like a great fit. Thanks for your time.” You’re not going to hurt their feelings; they want you to find that perfect fit too.
Therapists will usually offer a ‘termination session’ to process the work you’ve done together and say goodbye, but it’s not required. Know that this is something you can ask for if you’d like closure!
Your Therapist Isn’t Listening to You
The whole purpose of therapy is for your therapist to listen and help you navigate your identified problem (anxiety, trauma, depression, relationship issues, etc.). If you don’t feel like they’re listening, you might be feeling like you’re not processing the issues or getting anywhere in your treatment.
This might come down to individual therapist style and this might be a good opportunity to look for a therapist that works from a different framework or simply has different skills. An easy thing to say might be, “I’ve been thinking about trying a different therapy style. Do you recommend other frameworks that might be a good fit for my diagnosis?” or “I’ve liked working with you, but I think I need a therapist that is more ‘person-centered,’ so I’ll be canceling future appointments. “Person centered” A.K.A. “Rogerian therapy” is a framework that emphasizes clients discovering their own solutions and working on their own self-awareness.
You’re Unhappy with the Level of Progress
Your therapist should have regular check-ins on your treatment plan, goals, and progress. If you’re feeling like treatment isn’t going anywhere, perhaps ask to revisit some of the goals. Keep in mind that progress can take time, but it’s also possible that you’d make more progress with a different therapist or different type of modality.
You could say something like, “I’m feeling discouraged by the amount of progress that we’re making. Do you have feedback for me or suggestions for a different type of therapy?” If you feel heard or reassured, then perhaps it’s worth sticking it out for a few more sessions. If you feel like they were defensive, dismissive, or don’t have ideas, perhaps it’s time to look into other therapist options.
Your Boundaries Aren’t Being Respected
I see this most often when people aren’t ready to open up about certain topics. If you feel like your therapist is continually pushing boundaries after you have expressed you’re not ready to explore certain topics or skills you’re not ready to practice, it’s understandable if you’re feeling disrespected. Your therapist should challenge you, but not push you to the point of frustration.
Perhaps in this scenario you might say something like, “I am frustrated by this pushing and I’m wondering if we’re not a good fit together for this reason.” Of course, you don’t owe a therapist any explanation and it’s fine for you to also just say something like, “I’ve decided to work with another therapist moving forward. Thank you for your help up to this point.”
Your Therapist Is Dismissive or Judgmental
You should never feel dismissed or judged in your therapy– it’s hard to make any progress under those circumstances.
If you’d like to be straightforward and share how they made you feel, you might refer to a time you felt judged: “I was thrown and felt judged when I told you [insert situation] and you reacted [this way]. I’ve decided to find a therapist that I feel more comfortable with.” Otherwise, a simple cancellation or more vagueness is fine too.
One of my colleagues shared: “This might be an unpopular opinion… but if you don’t feel like you want to say something to them directly, it’s totally fine to just cancel your appointments. They’re professionals and you don’t owe them any sort of explanation or reason. Just please don’t no-show!”
You’ve Progressed Beyond What Your Therapist Can Offer
Therapists are trained or specialize in various tools or modalities. This means that some therapists might be better fits based on your diagnosis or problem. Perhaps you’re interested in other therapy frameworks and you’d like to work with someone else– that is understandable!
One of my colleagues said: “I recently had a client tell me that she wanted to try EMDR, which is a different type of therapy that I’m not trained in. I was really proud of her for letting me know this, and I was able to refer her to a colleague that specializes in that.”
Is It Okay to Break Up with Your Therapist Over Text or Email?
This totally depends on your comfort level. If you’ve been working together for awhile and you’d like to say goodbye or process some of the work you’ve done, I think it’s nice to talk about switching therapists directly.
If that seems awkward, it’s totally fine to send an email and let them know you’d like to cancel appointments moving forward or ask for a referral to another therapist. You could say something like, “It was nice to meet you, but I’m hoping for a therapist that has more experience in [insert issue or goal]. Do you have any therapists you’d recommend?”
One of my colleagues shared: “This is YOUR therapy. Do whatever feels most comfortable for you. Personally, I would simply send an email expressing gratitude for our past work, but explaining my decision to explore working with a different therapist or to take a break– could be something like, ‘I have appreciated the work we’ve done together, but I think I’m going to go in a different direction at this point.’ Just please don’t no-show!”
The benefit of seeing a therapist at a large network like Ellie is that there are plenty of options if you haven’t found the right fit quite yet.
How to Process a Bad Therapy Experience
If you’re still recovering from a negative or even painful therapy experience, it can help to reflect on what went wrong. As you process and learn from the experience, ask yourself these questions:
What Were Your Expectations Going into Therapy?
If this was your first time going to the therapist, it’s likely you came to your first session with certain expectations – about therapy, mental illness, and psychiatric medication. These expectations can be shaped by what you’ve read about therapy, what others have told you about their experiences, or even TV and books. It can be startling if your therapist interacts with you in a way that is very different from what you expected.
Did Your Therapist Do Something Ethically Wrong?
Therapists are human too. And while we know that most people who choose to become therapists do so with the intention and desire to help others, this doesn’t describe everyone in the profession. It can be very upsetting if you had a therapist who crossed boundaries, handled your confidential information poorly, gave dishonest information about their background, or mishandled your money.
Did You Feel Uncomfortable or Judged by Your Therapist?
In a healthy therapeutic relationship, the goal is that you feel comfortable enough with your therapist to confide in them and entrust them with your care. If you just can’t cross this barrier then breaking up with your therapist could be a wise choice. However, this doesn’t mean you’ll never find a therapist you connect with and feel you can trust. And it also helps to recognize that therapy isn’t always comfortable. Getting deep and sharing the traumatic, dark, shameful things you hold inside can be painful, even if it encourages growth and healing in the long run.
Was Your Therapist a Poor Fit?
Your old therapist might have been a friendly, qualified, all-around great therapist. But they need to be the right fit for you. Maybe you feel more comfortable working with a therapist that has a similar background to you – which can mean they are the same gender, religion, or race. Maybe you need a therapist that specializes in a specific type of therapy or in treating specific conditions or issues. For example, if you are seeing a therapist for processing trauma, finding a therapist who can provide EMDR might be beneficial for your treatment plan.
Why Finding the Right Therapist Is So Important
Several studies have concluded that one of the most important factors in determining the success of therapy is the therapeutic relationship. While a therapist’s experience level and education background are important to consider, at the end of the day, finding a therapist that you like and have a great relationship with is one the most important indicators that your time spent in therapy will actually help you.
How Long Should I Try Out a New Therapist?
Finding a new therapist that’s right for your unique background, personality, and needs can take some time. It’s okay if the first few tries are no-gos. You need to make sure the vibe is right, and if you still don’t feel comfortable with your new therapist after the first few sessions – some people say four sessions is the magic number – it’s time to continue your search to avoid hurting your progress.
What Determines a Good Therapeutic Relationship?
A good relationship with a therapist, often called a “therapeutic alliance,” is thought to be built on several core aspects. These include:
Collaboration
A therapy session shouldn’t feel like a lecture. You and your therapist are on this journey together. From defining goals to finding solutions, you should feel on equal grounds and play an active role in the therapy process.
Trust
Clients who don’t trust their therapist might withhold information or lie about feelings or “homework” completion. Part of this is because most people struggle with being vulnerable. If you and your therapist set a goal and you fall short of that benchmark, you might feel embarrassed. You might also struggle to trust your therapist won’t judge you for certain feelings or actions. However, if you build a relationship with a therapist that you come to trust and feel comfortable with, you’re more likely to confide in them. This only allows your therapist to provide you the best care possible.
Flexibility
It might be difficult to find a therapist just like you. While you might feel you need to find a therapist that matches your race, gender, sexual orientation, political party, and religious beliefs, that’s not necessarily the case. On one hand, finding a therapist that shares a similar background or values as you can be comforting and make it easier to connect. However, many therapists are empathetic and skilled at tailoring their treatment to specific backgrounds and treatment needs.
Resolve
The likelihood is that there are going to be rough patches in your relationship with your therapist. Your therapist is human after all, and they might not always understand your feelings or give the response you were hoping for. Since issues, big or small, are unavoidable in therapy, a therapeutic relationship can be strengthened by addressing those issues and working through them.
Finding the Courage to Begin Again
Starting a new relationship after a messy breakup is scary. We invest a lot of time, effort, and emotion in building new relationships and hope for the best. So when they fail, it can take a lot of courage to try again.
It’s the same with finding a new therapist. Your mental health is so important to your overall well-being. If you’ve been struggling with chronic stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD, a personality disorder, or any other mental health issue, it can feel like some deep, dark secret you hold on to. Over time, mental illness may become so rooted in your life that it becomes your identity. Reaching out for help and sharing that struggle with someone else can be one of the hardest things you ever choose to do.
Of course, you want it to work out the first time around. No one wants to make that daunting first step toward recovery only to be let down, but having the courage to try again is worth it. With therapy, you can find the resources, guidance, and medical expertise necessary to live a full life without feeling like you’re constantly carrying a mental illness on your shoulders.
Get Matched With a Therapist That’s Just the Right Fit
At Ellie Mental Health, we want you to experience the freedom that comes with finally being able to let go, learn to love yourself, and grow with a therapist that really gets you. We understand the heartbreak and frustration that comes with a bad therapy experience or unsuccessful treatment. We know it’s a big ask, but please, please, please give therapy another try!
To help mitigate the stress that comes with finding a new therapist, we’re here to help you find just the right match. Our Client Access Team will take the time to get to know you – and we mean really get to know you. We go beyond the whole “give your name and email” process and will take time to figure out what you need and want from a therapist. From here, our CATs will pair you with the right provider. It’s like a really great dating site but for finding a therapist – we’ll do the “fun” matchmaking work for you so that you end up with a provider that checks all the right boxes.
Ready to let our expert therapist-client matchmakers get to work? Find a location and get matched with the right therapist for you today!
