Helping kids learn to handle their emotions is one of the most important skills we can teach them. It sets them up to handle tough situations, build stronger relationships, and bounce back when things get hard. But let’s be real—figuring out feelings and how to deal with them doesn’t come naturally. It’s a skill that they need help with and modeling from adults along the way.
In this article, we’ll dive into simple, practical ways to help kids understand their emotions, calm down when they’re upset, and handle challenges without feeling overwhelmed. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or just someone who cares about kids, these tips will help you support them as they learn to manage their feelings.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is being able to calm ourselves when we’re upset, express emotions in healthy ways, and use problem-solving skills to handle challenges. For kids, this process can feel overwhelming, as their brains are still developing the tools needed to regulate intense feelings like anger, frustration, or sadness.
In the brain, emotional regulation involves a balance between two important areas: the emotional side and the rational side. The emotional side, led by the amygdala, acts as the brain’s alarm system. It jumps into action when we feel threatened or overwhelmed, triggering instinctive responses like fight, flight, or freeze. For kids, this part of the brain often takes charge, which can lead to outbursts, meltdowns, or shutting down during emotional moments.
The rational side, controlled by the prefrontal cortex, helps with thinking things through calmy, making decisions, and staying cool under pressure. This is the part of the brain that can pause and consider better ways to respond. But in kids, the prefrontal cortex is still maturing—it won’t fully develop well into our twenties. Because of this, kids and adolescents often struggle to pause and think before reacting, especially when emotions are running high.
This is where grown-ups come in. Children learn how to manage their emotions by watching and interacting with important adults around them. When adults model skills like taking a deep breath, naming feelings, or calmly solving problems, kids start to pick up on these behaviors. Over time, these interactions help strengthen the brain’s pathways between the emotional and rational sides, giving kids the tools they need to manage their feelings and reactions more effectively.
Identifying Coping Styles in Adults
Below are four ways you may respond to a difficult situation. As you read through the list, is there one that resonates with you?
- Run away from or ignore the situation
- Cry about it
- Complain or yell
- Look for ways to solve or provide tools for resolution
Choosing to run away from or ignore a situation indicates a deflection mindset. It is likely this person would rather pretend the conflict doesn’t exist and not deal with it. People who deflect may believe if they ignore the conflict, it will just go away or someone else will resolve it.
Someone who immediately cries about a situation has an emotional breakdown mindset. This person would rather breakdown and leave the conflict or issue for another person. The underlying belief is if they cry about the situation, someone else will fix it.
A person who turns to complaining and yelling likely uses a victim or blaming mentality. They would rather spend time blaming other people for the conflict than find ways to resolve it. Believing if they complain about it enough, someone else will eventually make the changes.
The person who identifies most with the fourth option displays a resolution-based mindset to coping. They see the issue and look for ways to resolve it, as well as to use the situation to learn and grow from it.
Coping with difficult situations is not just tied to learning to handle them, but also in how we resolve them.
Need someone to talk to? Find a therapist near you today!
Behavior Modeling and Emotional Regulation in Children
Children learn how to express emotions from adults. To understand this a bit more, let’s imagine a group of children playing at a playground with their adults nearby. Remember, children are learning their coping skills from the adults in their lives!
In this scenario, two kids are playing, and run over to a slide. One child gets there faster than the other. The second child is bothered that they are now second to go down the slide and tries to push the other child out of the way. Nearby, the adults are watching this play out and their coping skills go into effect.
From our example above, the ignoring parent probably pretends to miss the whole thing, hoping another parent will step in. When their child brings it to them, they may just brush off their feelings about the story. They are modeling their belief that if you ignore something, it will eventually go away.
The parent who copes with an emotional breakdown may be hovering nearby and when their child gets pushed, rush over and over-react to them being pushed. They are modeling that you can expect someone else to step in and fix your problem.
A parent who subscribes to a victim or blaming-mentality will start ‘pointing the finger’ at the child who got their first, blaming them instead of helping the other child to cope with being second. They are modeling to the children that someone is always to blame, rather than teaching them to take accountability.
Fourth, we have the overseer, who copes from a resolution-based mindset. When involving themselves, they will ask questions of both the children, and help them come to an understanding. They are modeling that a calm, rational approach will help find a resolution to the difficult situation.
How to Help a Child Regulate Their Emotions
Regulating emotions can be difficult for children, primarily because it involves the emotional response of their adults. When a child has BIG emotions, we can help them process through them by focusing on the following:
Demonstrating Good Behavior
Modeling how to cope is one of the most effective ways to teach children how to regulate their emotions. When adults demonstrate patience, stay calm in stressful situations, and approach problems thoughtfully, kids learn by example. Kids are always watching and observing, and this consistent modeling helps them understand not just what to do, but how to do it. By showing them how to think rationally, consider others’ perspectives, and respond calmly, we provide a framework for managing their own emotions and reactions in a healthy, constructive way. It also shows kids that it’s okay to feel and manage emotions without hiding them.
Connecting and Validating
Research consistently shows that secure, trusting relationships with their parents or caregivers lead to stronger emotional regulation skills. This is deeply rooted in attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of early bonds in shaping a child’s emotional and social development. Resource
Identifying Emotions
As a therapist, some of the first things I’ll do with a new kid client is work on naming and identifying emotions. When kids can put a name to what they’re experiencing—whether it’s anger, sadness, excitement, or worry—they gain a sense of control over those emotions. Naming feelings helps children understand that emotions are normal and temporary, rather than overwhelming or scary. It also gives them the vocabulary to express themselves, reducing the likelihood of acting out in frustration or confusion. It’s the foundation for learning how to cope and communicate effectively.
This might look like narrating your own emotions, asking kids how they’re feeling about certain things, or using an emotion wheel.
Enacting Coping Strategies
The next step after teaching kids how to name and identify their emotions is to help them learn coping skills. Coping skills provide kids with practical tools to calm themselves, process their feelings, and respond to stress in healthy ways. Here’s a handy-dandy list you might use.
Emotional Regulation Activities for Kids
Teaching kids about identifying feelings and emotional regulation works best when it’s fun and engaging, which is why play and activities are so effective. Games, storytelling, role-playing, and art give children a safe, creative way to explore emotions and practice coping skills. These activities help make abstract concepts more understandable and relatable. Through play, kids are more likely to connect with the material. Here are some activity ideas:
Sit in the Emotion
Provide children with the opportunity to sit in their emotions. This is also known as ‘the calm down’. A great example of this is when a child is sad… let them be sad! While it can be hard, do not attempt to fix the sadness for them but be present so they feel safe and comfortable to talk about what has caused them to be sad. The ability to identify emotions helps us cope with them.
Emotional Mood Cards
Help the child with their big emotions with emotion cards (think flashcards for feelings). By using the emotion cards, you are giving the child language or images to help them express the emotions they feel. You can create your own emotion cards or find a set online. This will help the child learn what emotion they are feeling. When they recognize the emotion, they can then work on coping with it and making the big emotion small.
Narrate the Emotions
Talk them through the emotion; observe and state what you are seeing and validate it for them. For a frustrated child, an example could be, “I can see you are really having a hard time and it is causing you to feel frustrated. Everyone gets frustrated sometimes.” Leave space for them to talk about what happened that may have caused their frustration, while continuing to validate their feelings. You can also encourage them to take a moment to breathe and reset. This will help them develop skills to recognize when emotions feel too big.
Exhausting Emotional Energy
Physical activity helps release nervous energy that can build up when kids feel overwhelmed, anxious, or restless, making it easier for them to return to a calmer, more focused state. Simple exercises like running around the block, jumping rope, or doing jumping jacks not only engage the body but also help the brain produce endorphins, which improve mood and reduce stress.
Provide Steps for Resolution
Walk them through some resolutions for dealing with the emotion. Children often get very upset or frustrated with tasks they are still learning. A great example of this, especially for young children, is difficulty putting on their shoes. Talking through the steps one at a time can help the child work through the emotions that come up around the difficult task. Provide them with different tips and tools to help navigate through the process. You can say things like “it might help if we loosen your strings”, or “it’s frustrating when we put the wrong shoe on the wrong foot!” or even, “let’s take a break, breathe, and try again”. The act of slowing down to process through each step will strengthen their coping skills.
Learning to Better Manage our Emotions
Our emotions are how we interact with the outside world. When we learn how to cope, we learn how to emotionally connect with the world around us. For children, learning the importance of emotions and healthy ways to cope is vital. Helping them develop these skills can give them words to express how they are feeling when they don’t know how. It is integral to how they will handle conflict, rejection, and emotional challenges throughout their lives.
As we learn to cope, we learn to better manage our emotions. We as parents and guardians, teachers, childcare providers, friends, and even other family members can help facilitate these emotional skills and help children to know that, while big feelings are inevitable, they are something we can control and manage.
Things to Remember…
As a parent, guardian, teacher, or adult in a child’s life… you got this! Your support will be everything to them. Additionally, we can always learn more effective or healthy coping styles to model for the children in our lives. There is no shame in seeing a therapist for yourself or your child if this is something you are struggling with.
Need someone to talk to? Find a therapist near you today!
