From accepting your emotions to coming to terms with your past, self-love is a journey that can be difficult and vulnerable. It’s not like you can just flip a switch or light yourself a self-love candle and suddenly years of hypercritical parenting, toxic thoughts, or traumatic experiences just melt away.
If you struggle to love yourself, you’re not alone. You know yourself more intimately than you’ll ever know anyone else — which means you are hyperaware of your every flaw, every passing thought, and every wrong thing you’ve done.
If you’re tired of being your own worst enemy and are ready to feel happy living in your skin, we’re here to share a few secrets about what that journey looks like.
You don’t need to walk this path alone – we’re here to help. Get matched with a therapist near you today.
What Does Self-Love Mean?
Self-love is all about valuing yourself, taking care of yourself, and doing what makes you feel happy and whole. According to the American Psychological Association, it involves contentment and as a therapist, I believe that means accepting who you are—flaws and all—and treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you’d show a good friend.
When we talk about learning to love ourselves, we often imagine it’s a lot like falling in love for the first time. In one magical moment, you’ll break free from self-hate and people-pleasing tendencies and arise from the ashes as a more enlightened, blissful version of yourself.
However, loving yourself is more like a long hike that requires a whole lot of perseverance and grace along the way. It means facing your demons head-on and doing the hard work of processing the hard things that have happened in your life. It means breaking down the lies you’ve been telling yourself for years and making difficult decisions about what and who you decide to keep in your life. And most importantly, it’s a journey we take every day for the rest of our lives.
Loving yourself is hard and honestly kind of scary. Sometimes it’s easier to just fall back into patterns of self-destruction and to continue vying for other people’s approval. But if you’re reading this, it’s safe to say that you’re done settling and are ready to give yourself the love and care you need.
Why is Self-Love Important?
When we practice self-love, we recognize our worth and treat ourselves with the kindness, respect, and care we deserve (because YES, you deserve it!).
Self-love is important because it:
- Establishes the foundation for having a relationship with yourself
- Encourages emotional resilience
- Improves self-confidence and self-esteem
- Supports a positive mental health outlook
Lack of Self-Love Symptoms
We all struggle with this sometimes– some of us more than others. What does it look like to be lacking in the self love department?
Having a lack of self-love can cause:
- A negative self-image
- Low self-esteem
- A lack of confidence
- Harmful self-talk
- Fear and avoidance
- Negative outlook on the future
- Doubt in your abilities
How Do You Learn to Love Yourself? 8 Tips to Practice Self-Love
The journey of learning to love yourself is a rewarding one. It can be so draining to always feel like you need to put on a show and be the “best” version of yourself. However, by discovering your authentic self and coming to accept and love the true person that you are, you’ll finally be free to live life on your terms and can feel at peace in your mind. Here are a few tips for how you can love yourself better.
- Forgive Yourself and Let Go of Shame
- Practice Self-Acceptance and Gratitude
- Take Care of Your Physical and Mental Health
- Avoid Comparing Yourself to Others
- Recognize and Validate Your Feelings
- Avoid Perfection
- Set Personal Boundaries
- Keep Good Company
1. Forgiving Yourself and Releasing Shame
Chances are you’ve done some things in your life you’re not proud of. People are capable of doing really messed-up things, and you’re no exception. If you’ve hurt someone you’re close to or are ashamed of something that happened in the past, you might carry a heavy load of shame and guilt with you. This deep shame can lead to low self-esteem, depression, self-hate, and self-destructive behavior.
Feeling guilty for something you’ve done wrong is a normal, healthy reaction. It’s important that you recognize that you’ve done something wrong, and the uncomfortable feeling of guilt can lead you to repair the situation and avoid the same hurtful actions in the future. Shame, on the other hand, involves how you perceive yourself. Rather than thinking “I did something bad” you might tell yourself. “I am bad.”
Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean that you’re letting yourself off the hook. It’s the exact opposite. Rather than ruminating over what happened, trying to justify your actions, or living in shame, you’re choosing to take responsibility for the action and accept that what you did was wrong. From here, you can express remorse, make amends, learn from the mistake, and strive to do better.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance and Gratitude
Self-acceptance and gratitude are both powerful practices that can have a big effect on our mental health and relationships. As a therapist, here are ways I recommend practices these skills:
- Recognize and let go of things that aren’t within your control. I know, easier said than done… but acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with or like the situation; it simply means you recognize reality as it is. Redirect your energy toward actions within your control.
- Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d show a close friend. Self-kindness means forgiving yourself for mistakes, prioritizing self-care, and allowing yourself to rest and recharge. Remember, you’re a work in progress, and that’s okay.
- Take time each day to reflect on the good things, big or small—like close relationships, a warm cup of coffee, good health, or a captivating TV show. Keeping a gratitude journal can help you make this a regular habit.
3. Take Care of Your Physical and Mental Health
Taking care of your physical and mental health is essential not just for feeling good day-to-day, but also for nurturing self-love. When you prioritize your well-being, you’re telling yourself that you matter and deserve to feel your best. This might look like getting regular exercise, eating well, practicing good sleep habits, practicing mindfulness and gratitude, or going to therapy when you need a little extra support.
Self-love can be about creating a lifestyle that supports your well-being and strengthens your relationship with yourself. When you prioritize these physical and mental needs you’re showing yourself that you deserve to feel strong, healthy, and cared for (after all, you’re human – you’ve got to pay attention to this stuff!).
4. Avoid Comparing Yourself to Others
It’s our natural tendency to compare ourselves to others. We often evaluate the people we interact with or see on social media to define ourselves and assign ourselves value. Constantly comparing yourself to others is only going to make you feel worse– and magnify any feelings of inadequacy and stress.
- Reflect on your own strengths
A “homework” task I often give clients in therapy is to come up with 101 achievements or strengths. I think it’s a powerful tool for people to reflect on what they’re proud of and acknowledge that they’re pretty amazing.
- Celebrate others
Instead of viewing others’ successes as a threat, learn to genuinely celebrate them. We can’t live life only focused on ourselves or jealous of others. Celebrating others’ successes fosters a positive mindset and encourages feelings of gratitude, both for what you have and for the people around you. Remember, their accomplishments don’t take away from your own potential or worth—they can inspire you instead.
- Watch your social media intake
Social media can sometimes feel like a parade of bragging and it can easily make us feel bad about ourselves. Our brain knows that social media is not the full picture and is more like a highlights reel, but that’s hard to remember. To avoid the trap of comparison, limit your time spent on social media (maybe even take a digital detox) and follow accounts that uplift and inspire rather than drag you down.
5. Recognize and Validate Your Feelings
Recognizing and acknowledging your feelings is key to understanding yourself better. Start by simply checking in with how you’re feeling throughout the day—whether it’s happiness, anxiety, or frustration. It’s important to allow yourself to feel whatever comes up without judging it; emotions aren’t good or bad, they just are. Take a moment to dig a little deeper and figure out what’s really behind the feeling: is it frustration, fear, or something else? And try to reflect on where those feelings are coming from—did something trigger them, or are they linked to a past experience? When you take the time to really tune in to your emotions, it helps you manage them better and respond in a way that’s more in tune with what you actually need.
Keep in mind that being in tune with your emotions and modeling healthy coping is also key for teaching kids how to manage their emotions!
6. Avoid Perfection
Embracing imperfection is key to building a healthier relationship with yourself and the world around you. Perfectionism is often a form of masking, especially for those who struggle with anxiety, low self-esteem, ADHD, or underlying mental health issues. This is often because we’re trying to hide our imperfections, vulnerabilities, or fears. Here are some tips for getting out of that perfectionism loop:
- Set realistic goals (are you expecting too much out of yourself?)
- Start viewing failures as steps or opportunities for improvement
- Accept that no one is perfect (cut to the Hannah Montana song) and that everyone makes mistakes
- Stop dwelling or ruminating on the negative– think about what went well and what the positives could be
- Practice self compassion. You are awesome just the way you are.
To love and accept yourself as the flawed, imperfect person that you are, it takes realizing that your worth lies in more than what you can achieve and that happiness isn’t unlocked by not making mistakes.
7. Set Personal Boundaries
Setting personal boundaries is essential for maintaining your well-being and ensuring that your relationships remain healthy and respectful. By practicing saying no, prioritizing self-care, defining your priorities, and communicating effectively, you create a foundation for relationships that honor your needs and limits. Remember, relationship boundaries are not about building walls; they are about establishing a safe, supportive space where both you and the people in your life can thrive.
8. Keep Good Company
The people we hang out with really affect how we feel and how we grow. Positive, healthy relationships can lift our spirits, motivate us to be better, and give us the support we need when things get tough. On the flip side, toxic or negative relationships can suck our energy and hold us back from becoming the best version of ourselves.
Think about it: If your friends and family members are constantly judging others, putting you down, or flaunting their accomplishments, you might struggle to maintain the progress you’ve made.
Loving yourself might look like cutting out toxic people from your life. This isn’t an easy step in your journey, but it’s a necessary one. If you keep getting hurt because there are people in your life who consistently treat you poorly, you to evaluate if those people should still have a part in your life. Additionally, it’s important that you learn it’s okay to say no to people and that you don’t need to wear yourself thin trying to please others.
For more information on mental health and toxic friendships, check out our other blog.
Therapeutic Support for Your Self-Care Journey
If you get stuck in your self-love journey, connecting with a therapist can help. At Ellie, we think that underneath all the layers, you – and we mean the real, authentic you—are pretty freaking awesome. At Ellie Mental Health, we want you to feel cared about, safe, and accepted. We get that loving yourself is hard, and how you feel and think about yourself is closely connected to your mental wellness. That’s why we’re here. We’ll walk through the muck with you and help you discover a life you love.
Are you ready to break free and fall in love with your authentic self? Get matched with a therapist near you today.
